Freedom from Hiding is Pure Gold
...on connecting and winning a "Goldie"
Last week, I returned from the Golden Crown Literary Society (GCLS) convention in Albany, New York. For four glorious days, I lived in a world where queerness was celebrated—like this is how the world should exist for all queer people everywhere. The people I hung out with were filled with love, humor, joy, mischief, creativity, and more, and Albany was cool and beautiful and fun and welcoming. It’s hard to put into words how it felt in my body, but the first word that comes to mind while writing this is: Free. The second word, which is similar to the first but with more syllables is: Liberating.
After spending decades in places where I could not be who I am and where I had to hide my identity and joy to keep my job and stay safe, it’s more and more clear to me what I was missing. Now knowing the freedom I didn’t get to experience in my earlier life is pretty devastating. I’m grateful those days are in my past and now out of the closet more than ever, I am doing my best to experience the fullness of my life. I am never going back.
On Saturday evening, the convention culminated with a gala and awards ceremony and... drumroll please...Hiding for My Life: Being Gay in the Navy won the 2025 Goldie in non-fiction!!!! Right before the award was announced and in my combat saying-whatever-is-flying-out-mouth-manner, I softly said, “I think I’m going to puke.” Yes, I have it on video. But no, I didn’t. I even made it to and from the stage without tripping. Just out here conquering one fear at a time. In my short speech I expressed gratitude to the GCLS community; I acknowledged and thanked the queer veterans in the room—of which there were many; and I told the crowd that I never intended to write a memoir and wasn’t sure how it would be received once I did. So, to be awarded for taking that leap is well, beautiful and very humbling. I’m grateful that the “little book that can” is now doing the heavy lifting while I get to provide a voice for veterans who were silenced, meet incredibly lovely people, and semi-graciously lose at nighttime Cornhole—Not my fault. It was well past my bedtime.
What I’m learning is that being out from hiding is the best way to live, yet I still absolutely get vulnerability-and-insecure-human hangovers. In being authentic, I am experiencing the joy AND the struggles of being seen. Because of this, my thoughts sometimes want me to retreat back into hiding—into people pleasing, rescuing, deflective humor, body image, isolating. I still have my ways. It can be very uncomfortable to exist in my skin, but I now understand this is normal human stuff—my mind is trying to protect me from pain by telling me to stay hidden and closed off. When I get a grasp of its agenda, I try to be gentle on myself and remind my mind that the biggest betrayal of all is hiding who I am.
I believe this is the calling. Feel insecure yet take a leap anyway. Feel vulnerable after taking the leap but notice how much courage it took to leap and be authentic in the first place. Exhale. Rinse. Repeat. As the dirt and grunge and mud from a past in the closet washes away, it certainly gets easier. Eventually, you show up at a convention with hundreds of strangers...and you no longer feel the need to hide. You actually fit in. You are available to connect, because you are present and connected—to your truth. And damn, what a beautiful gift that is.
p.s. Next Thursday, August 7th at 4pm PST, I’ll be in discussion with Linda Joy Myers and the National Association of Memoir Writers Book Club about how “Writing Memoir Is Its Own Coming Out Journey.” You can sign up here and it’s FREE!!!
I will share:
What motivated me to write my memoir.
A few ways I confronted and worked through trauma.
The importance of truth-telling and perspective-taking.
How I learned to not be attached to good and/or negative feedback.
Why I chose to publish a memoir that made me more exposed, and thus less safe, in the world.
How writing and publishing a memoir mirrors the coming out process
How do I know so much about hiding? Well, I believe that everyone hides—yep, even you. Hiding is a human condition that takes on many forms, and the goal is to stop hiding and come back out. You can read about the consequences I endured while hiding during my Navy career in my memoir, Hiding for My Life: Being Gay in the Navy, available now at your favorite bookseller. Visit www.Hideology.com for more information.
Congrats again on winning the Goldie!